The Reason For My Hope

I think the world stopped for a brief second last week when the doctor told me I had cancer, followed by the words aggressive, dangerous, and surgery. Those were words that I never thought I’d hear.

Now tomorrow I am facing a major surgery, and even though we have received favorable test results, we still don’t know what the future holds.

Our pastor reminded us yesterday that I am not any closer to death today than I was one year ago, or five years ago. Everyday on this earth is by the grace of God.

Despite this scary diagnosis, I have already shared that I’ve never felt closer to the Lord. I want to share with you how you can feel the same peace and hope that I feel, no matter what trials you may face in your life.

Don't get me wrong...I get scared and I grieve for the unknown. I grieve for my little boy, because I want to be there while he grows up. I grieve for my husband, because I want to grow old with him. Thousands of “what ifs” have crossed my mind. What if the cancer has spread further than the tests indicated? What if the cancer comes back?

Even though I grieve, I grieve with HOPE.

HOPE that can only come from my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Do you have this HOPE?

Jesus Christ paid the penalty for your sin when He died on the cross. He offers you eternal life.

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Salvation is free. And it’s simple.

“Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9, ESV

That’s it. That’s all you need to do. If you have questions, ask me. My email address is ahubbard @ emmaus . edu (take out the spaces). I would love to talk to you.

I know that most people who read this blog already have this same hope. But I still feel the need to share.

This is probably the most important blog I have ever written. I don’t normally campaign for comments, but if you are reading this, and you too believe and have the same hope that I have, please leave a comment…with a simple statement such as “I believe” or “I have HOPE.”

~Angie

Catching Up on Photos

These past few weeks we've been to the zoo, the county fair, pic-nicking, and apple picking! Cancer or no cancer, we are still enjoying time together as a family.

My Favorite Apple

Brady loved the ride to the orchard!

Brady's favorite goat at the zoo, I think she liked him too!

He would shriek with delight when he touched them! Too cute.Picnic after church (and before nap)!

Brady's new thing? Pointing...at everything!

A few deer met us at our picnic site

Greeting the jellyfish at the zoo

Brady thinks he is such a big boy when he gets to walk

He sees something!

:)

Results!!!

PRAISE GOD! PET/CT showed slight spreading to the left lymph node but no further!! The cancer in that lymph node is not fully metastasized which is great! We are already scheduled to remove that lymph node on Tuesday. Thank you, Lord!!! Rejoice with us!!!

Enough Seriousness!

Scans 9/17/09

Had my scans today...things went very smoothly, at least for me! We won't have results until tomorrow at the earliest, but likely not until Monday. Yes, the wait is killing me. Yes, it's killing Jason. Brady has no idea what's going on, but we let him stay up late tonight so he likes that. I see several weeks of spoiling in his future. Is there a support group for Cancer Brats? :)

This morning, I was reading from the devotional "Streams in the Desert" (which someone gave me as a gift) and the message was about seeing God in everything. And today I did see Him in everything.

I was praying most of the day today (and others were as well) that today would go by quickly for me because the scans weren't until 6:15 PM. Then I got a call around 1:00 asking if I could come in three hours early. What a great way to make the day go by quicker! It's pretty clear to me that was a direct answer to prayer.

When I arrived at the hospital, the technician took me to the prep room, asked me all kinds of questions, and injected the radioactive dye. I had to wait about an hour after that for the dye to run its course, I guess. The technician went in the other room and told me I basically had to sit and wait. He turned the radio on in the prep room, and apologized because he didn't know any of the stations in the area. He fiddled around scanning the stations and landed on one, saying "I hope this is okay"...well it definitely was, it landed on one of our favorite Christian radio stations. One of the first songs played was one of my favorites, by Tenth Avenue North, called "By Your Side"...it was a great reminder to me to stay calm, and that Jesus was right there with me.

After about 1/2 hour in that room, I had to move to a different prep room. I was bored so I stood up and wandered around. Over by the sink in the room was a little note taped on the wall. It wasn't for me, but I read it anyways because I'm nosy. It said, "Smile, you are going to have a great day." and was signed by "Kimmie" and with a smiley face. Many of you know that one of my dear friends is named Kimmie...and to me she's always been Kimmie, not Kim. And Kimmie is praying for me, and I knew she was praying for me right at that moment. Coincidence? I don't think so. Just seeing God in everything...

The tech turned the radio on again during my scan...same station, same songs picked just to keep me calm and still.

And then it was all over and I was sent on my radioactive way. We grabbed a quick dinner (chips and salsa and a coke...the real thing) and picked up Brady from Jim and Ashley's house. We did a little shopping at Kohls and headed home. I had over 70 emails in my inbox when I returned, mostly messages from my friends on Facebook telling me they were praying for me.

This is the part where I get all teary-eyed and take a deep breath.

Brady gave us quite a few laughs tonight as he got his chubby butt stuck behind the couch, blew a zerbert at the little girl at Kohl's who was pointing at him, and wouldn't move from beside my chair until I shared a sizeable helping of my coffee ice cream. Hmmm...coffee ice cream...wonder if it has caffeine? Maybe that's why he wasn't tired?

And now we are back to waiting. Jason is going to call the doctor tomorrow and attempt to find out something. We'll see if it works. My husband has amazing persuasive skills. It's how he first got me to go on a date with him. HA.

Thanks for your prayers..."thanks" doesn't seem like it's good enough, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Love,
Angie

Update 9/15/09

We had another visit with Dr. Khalil yesterday. Dr. Khalil originally diagnosed me and performed my last surgery. He asked us to come in to his office that afternoon so we could ask questions and get more information, since the last visit was a little overwhelming! Overall, we were encouraged by what he had to say. Please forgive my non-medical recap of our discussion. Hopefully I got it all right!

• My CT and PET scans are still scheduled for Thursday evening, and we should know results the next day. These tests will help determine if the cancer has spread.
  
• Based on the size of the tumor that he already removed from my tongue, there is a 30% chance the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes, chest, lungs, etc.
  
• He will be removing a "wedge" from my tongue of tissue that contains the cancer and also a 1cm of clear margin around the cancer.
  
• He will also reconstruct my tongue at the same time using grafts from my chest wall, or depending on the size of the graft, it might be from a cadaver...GROSS...I need to get over that!
• One of the reasons this cancer is dangerous is that it is poorly differentiated, which means it mimics regular tissue. The only way to know if the tissue is cancerous or not is by testing it. A Pathologist will test the tissue during the surgery so we will know for certain that it is all removed.
• The other procedure is the Radical Neck Dissection. Dr. Khalil will start the incision behind my ear and go along the side of my neck and wrap around the front. I will have a wicked cool scar! He will only do this on the left side, and will remove all the lymph nodes.
• The reason we are doing the Radical Neck Dissection is because this is the only way to make sure the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes, because the PET/CT scans are helpful but can still be inconclusive. This also prevents the cancer from spreading to the lymph nodes. We want this surgery. Even though the recovery will be tough and my neck won't be pretty, we want this surgery.
• Dr. Khalil felt my lymph nodes and said they were not swollen and that this was a "great sign" so I am feeling good about that. He also brought in his associate, Dr. Lutz, who checked over my tongue and felt the lymph nodes as well. He said the same thing.
• Radiation is still tentative - best case scenario would be that I have great results from the surgery and don't need radiation at all. That is our prayer.
  

We are so glad that we went back in to meet with the Dr. Khalil. We have complete confidence in him. Jason asked him if he had treated this a lot, and he said he's performed the surgeries hundreds of times. So apparently he knows what he is doing.

My parents arrive this Saturday and are staying one week until the following Sunday, to take care of Brady while I am in the hospital. After that, Jason's mom and step-dad are arriving to take over. So we have two solid weeks of care for Brady, not to mention care for me and Jason, too! My doctor says that my recovery will last a minimum of two weeks, so their help is essential. We are so thankful that they will drop everything to help us.

I am feeling pretty positive, but I still have my low moments, and my times of sheer terror. I have never felt closer to the Lord. Every breath is a prayer. Sometimes they are desperate prayers, sometimes they are calm. But I know He hears them all, and I am never alone!

Here is an encouraging article that I've been reading before bed. It's called "Don't Waste Your Cancer" by John Piper. Since we already know that my chances of getting this type of cancer are so low, I can only conclude that God gave me this cancer. Now it's up to me to determine His purpose and not to waste this cancer!

Thank you again for your prayers. We have felt extremely supported and can definitely feel the love and support. We love to hear from you, too. Don't hesitate to write, text, email, or call, if you want to. Don't be surprised if I add "love you" before I hang up, or at the end of an email, and I will really mean it! :)

~Angie

A few background details

Thanks to everyone for your prayers. We are so thankful for a faithful body of believers and the many prayer warriors that we know. Last night I (Angie) slept through the night right up until 9 AM. I have had problems sleeping for a few years now, so that was a huge blessing. We are sure it was because of everyone's prayers.

A little background on how we came to this diagnosis...around March of this year a sore formed on the underside of my tongue. It was pretty painful, but I thought it was just a cold sore or something and would go away in time. When I was in Iowa in May, it flared up pretty badly. I showed it to my friend, Linda, and she looked me in the eye and said, "you need to go to the doctor". In June I met with my primary doctor and showed her the sore. I said, "It's been there for a few months and is crazy painful"...she said, "Months?!? You need to see a specialist." She referred me to an Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist named Dr. Philip Khalil at Ohio Valley Head and Neck Surgery.

Dr. Khalil examined the spot in late June and said he wasn't sure what it was. Most of you know that I am not a smoker or drinker and I don't chew tobacco (ha! it's funny just to say that), so the doctor felt that the likelihood of it being a cancerous spot was pretty low. He prescribed a mouthwash for me that had several different treatments in it...he said if they spot didn't go away completely, he needed to biopsy it. Since my risk was so low for cancer, he was willing to try the prescription first.

I went back for my follow up appointment with little improvement in the sore. Dr. Khalil determined that he needed to remove the spot and biopsy it at the same time. I had this procedure done last Tuesday, September 1. A large chunk is now missing from my tongue. I'd post a picture, but it is just too gross.

Yesterday was my post-op appointment. I am so glad that Jason was with me. Dr. Khalil cut right to the chase. He said, "The pathology report came back, and the tumor that we removed was cancerous. I am not going to sugar coat this for you. This is a dangerous and aggressive cancer called Squamous Cell Carcinoma. The good news is that I believe we have caught it early"...talk about having the wind knocked out of you.

I didn't hear much past this, even though the doctor had a lot more to say. My mind went to how much this is going to cost, what are we going to do with Brady, I hope Jason doesn't have to go back to work today, Brady needs an animal cracker, we have so many people to call, I am scared, I want to see my son grow up, I guess we aren't having more babies anytime soon, what's for dinner tonight, and so on and so on! Jason has repeated a few things that the doctor said to us that I didn't even hear.

We left the doctor's office with consent forms signed for our next surgery, a few dates of scheduled tests, and more information that I haven't even looked at. We knew we had to be with people so Jason called some of our trusted friends at the Mission. We went there and talked with them, cried, prayed together, and left feeling encouraged.

And, we have made a bazillion phone calls since then to ask Emmaus Bible College, Haven of Rest, our church family at ACC in Dubuque, and all the believers we know around the world to pray for us!

Jason has been really strong even though I know he is scared. Brady has been a joyful distraction as he is such a bundle of energy right now. We are so thankful for him, as he is sure to provide mommy with much entertainment in the coming months.

Today, we spent the morning on the phone, again, and then went to Sam's Club and stocked up on a few things. I am feeling the need to "nest", sort of like before Brady was born. I will feel better when my cupboards are stocked, the laundry is finished, the house is clean, and my Emmaus work is caught up. I am sure in the coming months I will find comfort in my daily tasks.

Many of you have asked what you can do, and right now the only answer is that you can pray. We will do our best to let people know of our practical needs throughout this ordeal. I will try to keep this blog as updated as possible so that people are informed. Please feel free to let people know that they can check here for updates. Comments are very encouraging, but not necessary.

We feel so loved and are so thankful for our family and friends.

This is the song that is stuck in my head right now, from my days of teaching Sunday School..."My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY, there's nothing my God cannot do, for YOU!" And also, Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You."

Love to all,
Angie

Please Pray for Us

Angie has been diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the Tongue. The doctor described the cancer as "aggressive and dangerous" be he feels they have caught it early. At this point, we only have the diagnosis, we don't have a stage or prognosis. Angie will have a PET/CT scan next Thursday (the 17th), followed by surgery on Tuesday, Sept 22 to remove another portion of her tongue and lymph nodes. She will be in the hospital for a few days following this procedure, and then it is likely that she will undergo at least six weeks of radiation treatment.

Please pray that the cancer has not spread further. Pray that surgery and radiation will eliminate the cancer completely. Pray for us during the next few weeks of waiting.

Thank you, friends.

Dad's Keys

I finally got my hands on Dad's keys. Now I can unlock the mysteries of this yellow panel here...

If I open my mouth a little more, that might help...

Or I could just smile sweetly and ask Mom for help!

Camping

A few weekends ago, we went camping at Mogadore Reservoir with Jim and Ashley. We had a blast and look forward to camping again. Brady did NOT SLEEP. But other than that, he loved playing outside and had dirt caked in every crevice and every fat roll. We even gave him a "hillbilly bath" with water warmed up from the fire. He had such freedom to roam around, and he hardly ever heard "No, no, Brady!"...he loved it!

Jim and Jason showing their best sides...

See the dirt? See the tired eyes?

See the baby still not sleeping?What happened here? Oh yeah, the guys burned off their arm hair trying to cook dinner.
Brady showing off his toys, and his short shorts.

I think we played a record number of games of Settlers of Catan in 36 hours.

Brady checking out the reservoir on our short hike

Chilling in the morning

Brady is supposed to be taking a nap here...instead he is into mischief as usual!

Me and my boy - how does he manage to look away at last minute ALL the time?Our good friends Jim and Ashley - they are such a blessing to us!